I am a working mum, and honestly, I pretty much love it. I don’t have any of that guilt stuff you read about, or do any agonising as I wave the little darlings off at school or nursery before dashing off to the office. What’s not to love? You get your own money to spend on pretty little things you don’t really need (or sensible things that you do), you get time out from the relentless drudgery of life with small people, and you get to give your children the unarguably good example of being an independent woman. All excellent.
But, as my husband pointed out when I said all this to him, I’ve got it easy. I work for a firm where every woman – from equity partner to post room assistant – has the option to work part time if they have a child, and where each and every mother has taken advantage of this, so we’re a loose and – for the most part! – tolerant and flexible mix of different hours and term-time-based contracts and flexible hours to attend Sports Day. Personally, I work a four-day week but spread the hours over 5 days so that I can do the school runs and be at home with the children in the afternoons. Before and after the school day, my children are with at least one parent; at weekends we are both at home. In the holidays we juggle and muddle so that at least one parent is at home in the day then, too. This pleases me and given that it pleases me so, I assume that it’s probably more important to me than I realise. It’s definitely more important to me than huge pay rises, for the moment at least.
Given that not all occupations or workplaces are as family-friendly as mine, I can see the logic in the arguments put forward by those who insist that the glass ceiling is created by generous maternity leave provision, not smashed by it. As Alexandra Shulman said recently in the Daily Mail: what employer, indeed, would want to hire a woman who could turn around a few months later and take a year’s maternity leave followed by flexible working thereafter? But what the naysayers forget is that flexible working, part-time working and working from home is still working, it’s still profitable and sometimes more so. I’m not the only part-timer in my firm who makes as much, or more money for the firm than some full-time colleagues (male AND female). But realistically I don’t think things will improve as long as men have the automatic right to opt out of sharing the babycare, as Mary Fitzgerald points out in the Guardian. Increased paternity leave rights and more flexibility for fathers would even things out better than adding to the framework that is already in place for women, in my opinion. Working part-time yet remaining productive shouldn’t be an exclusively female domain, surely?
I would mention that I tried working full-time for a while and it wasn’t for me. I didn’t like not knowing what my daughter’s favourite foods were, and not getting the full gorgeousness of her after-nursery witterings, and not being able to share a meal and some playtime with her before bed. Equally, though, when I was on maternity leave and living the life of a full-time mum I knew that life wasn’t for me either. I can’t be the only mum who needs a balance of both. And I’m sure a lot of dads would like to have the choice.
My sister in law has been on maternity leave, the maximum, since her second child was born and is now using up stored holiday before going back to her part time (very well paid) job. However, since going on maternity leave her firm has had to make a LOT of staff redundant. The law means they have to take her back – or rather haven’t been able to get rid of her just because she’s been on maternity leave but have had to let go someone else who has been working there all that time. It is hard to say what is “fair” in that case to be honest. Yet she’ll go back to work and quite likely end up loosing her job anyway as the firm are still cutting back.
I enjoyed flexible working when my eldest two children were in school and I can agree that it gives the best of both worlds if you are able to get the right hours. I found full time work (which I did for a year when hubby was off long term sick so he was a house husband) was awful and brilliant in equal measure. I was full on focused when at work, and loved it. But the minute I got in the car to go home I started to think of the family and feel upset. When I was at home I never thought of work and hated leaving for work in the morning – until I got into the office. Guess that is how most Dads feel – it definately made me appreciate how it is for most men most of the time.
Yes, I’m pretty much with you on that. Also part-time, although things are a bit harder in our days because we have to accommodate my husbands continental shifts. I basically work three days on the days he isn’t working, or use one day of childcare to top the three up when he’s working mid-week. But predominantly all the children have had a significant amount of time with both of us; I am the consistent one at the weekend though.
I enjoy working for all the same reasons as you but pretty much feel the glass ceiling operates on all flexi/ p-t’ers; I do more than my set hours frequently and definitely squeeze in an almost-f-t output of work. What ‘gives’ is really a chance to network effectively, especially out of hours at the pub, and development for me (I make sure I fit it in for my team!) and also not always being there at strategic meetings (because it’s a non-working day for me). If you’re not in it you can’t win it …
Offering my husband more than the current 2 weeks of paternity leave would have made no difference to us – he couldn’t feed them for start – and is unnecessary in our circumstances. But I can see how doing that could change attitudes to flexi/ p-t working for the better.
I don’t feel any guilt. Zilch. I work damned hard at home and at work. I do everything I possibly can for my kids. I like that they see a positive work ethic. I don’t just work for frivolities, my money has paid for houses! And my intellect is exercised by working – I really don’t think I could hack f-t mumdom; hats off to those who do. I don’t, however, think I’ve got it easy. I have carved this way of living out – I’ve been redundant and had to think hard of how to manage a working pattern. I don’t have much respect for the line “I’m a mum, so I can’t work”. My gran used to say “where there’s a will there’s a way” and I think that attitude is very important where working mums are concerned.
I appreciate your reasons for working, and understand what you mean about ‘I’m a mum, I can’t work’, because obviously, plenty of Mums do work, but I don’t think that works for all families. When my daughter was small, I really would’ve been putting her in childcare 7.30am-6pm at least and when I worked out the real cost involved, it was cheaper for me to stay at home and look after my own child, than it was to work part time and pay for childcare, travel etc. I didn’t work in a particularly highly paid sector, but was working at quite a senior level so wasn’t too badly paid, but it was full time to make about £200 a month, or nothing, part time didn’t work financially unless I was willing to do very long days and run the risk of my daughter not seeing either parent from when she got up until she went to bed.
Given that my husband’s work is the sort that means he is often required to work until around 7pm, and is never able to guarantee getting away early, it wasn’t going to work without a lot of ‘will’. I take on board all the arguments about providing positive role models, and now that my daughter is 3 and has some subsidised childcare, I am starting to look into my options work wise.
Just as you have carved your way of living out, I think I have done the same, taking into account the limitations of both mine and my husbands skills. I feel that I have also had to make sacrifices – personal and professional – in order to be at home full time.
I don’t think anyone has it easy, being a parent is hard work, and we all make choices based on the situation we find ourselves in. If I’d been able to afford full time childcare (which is what nurseries in London expect even if your child is only there part of the day) I may well have done that, but I couldn’t afford to pay to go to work whatever the rewards…
I agree – I did some part time hours after having Boy1 but basically my pay = his childcare bill. After Boy2 there was no way we could afford for me to be working – well we could but it wouldn’t have improved our income. I don’t think I am a bad role model for the children being at home though as I do have a small business and do lots of voluntary work.
Its great that you have managed to find a position that enables you to combine the best bits of working with being with your children afterschool and for important schooly things. Wouldnt it be great if more employers realised that accomodating parents was beneficial to them in the long term? I know the US can hardly be held us a a paragon of family friendly working (maternity leave provision there is shocking), but at least many employers have workplace childcare. It seems to me that it would often be easier to be a working mother if your children (obviously I am talking about preschool age here) were receiving their childcare in the same place you worked.
As a would be teacher, I get a little irritated by well meaning types suggesting that teaching is a great profession for working mothers because ‘you get great holidays’ Yes, I admit not having to find childcare in school holidays is a huge plus, but the down side is that while at school you generally have no flexibility regarding working hours and can not get time off to attend nativities, sports days and the like.
I think flexible and home working should be implemented wherever possible – not just for parents, but for all kinds of reasons, for instance if someone wants to do further training part time. I actually think employers get more out of a workforce that feels valued as people, not just as employees. When I was pregnant and then breastfeeding, my employer went out of his way to find me work I could do from home via computer. It meant the world to me and I worked extra hard to prove I was worth keeping on and to show my dedication and gratitude. I also enjoyed keeping my brain active because, let’s face it, however precious and adorable those early times with your baby are, the Teletubby years can drive any reasonably intelligent woman slowly insane.
I needed to work because I needed something for me, something to keep my mental juices flowing, something to tell my husband about at the end of the day other than the current colour of baby poo. But I loved being a mum so much, I found it impossible to consider going back full time to my old job, and instead started my own business so I could work from home. I still get mummy guilt – running your own business is bloody hard sometimes and it’s very hard to do work or parenthood 100% the way you really want to when you are juggling both. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, and my son, now 11, has benefitted enormously both from having me around when he needs me at home AND seeing me working hard to achieve something with my own career, my own life above and beyond being his mum. He has enormous respect for me and my work, which reaffirms how good I feel about my choices. Now that I’m a single mum and his dad has buggered off to another country, I feel it’s even more important to set him an example of what hard work and determination can achieve even when circumstances aren’t ideal.
If I’d had more than just the one, I know I would have opted for being a stay-at-home fulltime mum for even longer. And I think it’s fabulous if women (or men) can do that. I was lucky to have the choice at the time, a supportive employer for the early months, and the courage to go it alone when the traditional roles offered no longer suited me. I am also thoroughly indebted to the tax credit system, which helped me as my business got off the ground and now means I do not resent paying taxes because I feel like I’m passing on the baton to other people in my position who need that same help to sort their lives out.
However hard things are to juggle and get the balance right, and however much things could still be improved for mums AND dads…I feel lucky to be living in a country and an age whereby many of us do at least have some choices, or possibilities for change if we are unhappy. Although there’s a whole other article to be written about those that fall into the ‘benefits trap’ and can’t get out….which I would write myself (if I weren’t too busy looking after my son and running my own business). ;o)
Just to clarify – those who might find it odd that I talked about being dedicated to my ex-employer and then choosing not to go back fulltime…I worked in TV as a contract freelancer, so there was no such thing as a permanent role in a single company. We were employed per series, usually 3-6 months at a time. If I had not changed careers, it is highly likely I would have worked for the same employer now and then, but I wasn’t letting anyone down by making that change, if you see what I mean. Just thought I should point that out before anyone went up in arms about me taking help/support from my employer and then running for the hills when it suited me. :o)
People usually talk about the guilt a working mum feels towards her children and family. I had a very accommodating employer offering generous maternity leave and a part time role on my return to work. I had thought initially that part time work was ‘the best of both worlds’. My responsibilities at home soon started getting on top of me and my commitment to work reached an all time low. I was pretty much left to my own devices, and found I was dedicating less and less of my working time to performing work-related tasks, and more and more to carrying out personal admin, and using the office as a retreat to recover from being at home!
Consequently all but a smidgen of the guilt I have felt about being a working mum has been towards my employer and my colleagues. When someone refers to the guilt of a working mum, it tends to conjure up the image of saying goodbye to a child as you hand them over to their carers. I thought it worth mentioning the other sort of guilt, when you know you’re not pulling your weight at work, but can’t pull yourself out of that rut.
I totally agree with the majority of this article, but this bit jarred with me a little:
“I would mention that I tried working full-time for a while and it wasn’t for me. I didn’t like not knowing what my daughter’s favourite foods were, and not getting the full gorgeousness of her after-nursery witterings, and not being able to share a meal and some playtime with her before bed.”
I work full time. And I mean FULL TIME. I generally do about 40 hours in the office often with at least a couple of hours in the evenings/early mornings at home to keep on top of email. My role is that of a senior manager in my organisation which means that on occassion I am also on call at weekends.
However, due to the excellent flexible conditions both I *and* my husband enjoy, I am able to take him to school at least twice a week, and am always usually home by 5pm. OK he gets picked up by a childminder after school for 90 mins, but given that he’s an only child this is important to him and us as it’s a social time for him before coming home to the family of three that we have built.
After coming home we then all get to chat as we make our evening meal together which we sit down and eat as a family at about 6pm.
Working full time, in a senior post, doesn’t mean that you have to miss out on the little things: the after school cuddles and chats, the spontaneous baking sessions or the serious discussions about whether Jamie or Adam are the best mythbuster. However none of this would be possible without the support of my employer to enable flexible working for both men and women. I know my profession (Higher Education) affords more autonomy than most. Generally if you get the job done it doesn’t matter how you do it. What worries me more than the equality of this is parity for people on lower wages and with less seniority. The people who need the flexibility most are those on the lowest incomes and with the least flexible conditions. A lecturer can work from home if their child is sick. Their PA cannot. I know I am lucky. My husband is a dedicated father who has been able to truly commit to being as much of a parent to our child as I have been. But I do wonder what would have happened if we had been working in a different environment or in different roles, one where autonomy was less of a right and therefore flexibility was unavailable.
I think it’s interesting that a lot of decisions are purely made on the financial aspects of going to work as a mum. I only earn 2/3 of what my husband does, and if I added up the cost of childcare AND running my car (we only really need two cars as we both work in different places and I work shifts) I probably don’t make much at all each month. BUT, my work is very, VERY important to me, I am very lucky in that I love what I do, get a huge amount of personal satisfaction from my job and cannot imagine life without it if I’m honest. Surely the decision whether to work or not shouldn’t be purely financial? There is a quality of life issue and like someone else mentioned I also enjoy providing a positive female role model of a working mum (and showing that working in a traditionally male dominated sector can be done).
I used to feel a little guilty when my firstborn was little, but as I / we have settled into life as parents and as a family that has gradually disappeared over the years to be replaced by a sense of conviction that I am definitely doing the right thing for me and my family.
I work full time but because of the shift work my daughter is only at nursery 2-3 days a week, my husband is always around at the weekends when I have to work (2 out of every 5); if I worked 9-5 I don’t think I could do the hours I do though……..
Yes, I know lots of women in the same position as you – I think living in London unless you are a very high earner, it’s difficult to make significant amounts of money if you pay for childcare too.
I think the financial aspect was the clincher for me, but not the only reason I made my decision. I was somewhat jaded by what I was doing – I’d fallen into a career, which I enjoyed, but had reached a bit of a dead end, I didn’t fancy the next step up and had been working on the same level for nearly 5 years – and I felt totally enthused by motherhood. Plus the job I did required a lot of emotional energy, and I worried that I’d end up doing two jobs badly!
It’s now my daughter is that bit older that I think I need to get out and have some work away from the home and don’t find mothering as fulfilling as I once did. I’m starting to think maybe I have a three year threshold for doing anything before I start to look around for the next challenge. That said, I have really enjoyed being with my daughter full time, it’s been a blast and I feel very fortunate that I had a choice!
I don’t think many of us make these decisions based on one factor alone, apart from maybe those who really do have to go back to work to pay their mortgage – if you get assistance with child care costs, that can make a massive difference – and I think it’s wrong, and insulting if I suggest that anyone who works does so just for the pleasure of it. There are many women who are the main breadwinner, or who just can’t afford to keep a roof over their heads without a double income.
Actually, I’d just like to edit a bit of what I said before – I do find motherhood every bit as fulfilling as I always have, but caring for my daughter is becoming less full time now that she is in pre-school, soon to be school, and I utterly HATE the housework/houseadmin side of being a SAHM. Once my daughter is at school, I’d rather try and work while she’s there and pay someone else to do my cleaning!
I am with you there – my business goal for this year is to make enough profit to pay for a cleaner!